Role of men and woman in a relationship

Role of men and woman in a relationship

I recently read an article where a woman proclaimed she was in a controlling relationship and in order to get out of this relationship she had to divorce GOD. I searched for the article to link to this post, but I was unable to find it. In the article the woman explained that it was GOD that was controlling not only her, but her husband, and her children through her husband. She went on to described that her and her husband tried to live the perfect marriage according to the bible: the husband head of the family and final decision maker; her and her children submissive to him and followed his rules unquestionably.

The article also described their lifestyle. They disassociated themselves from the world and only associated themselves with other like minded religious families. They home schooled. Did not use banks. Did not trust the government. Basically, they  lived very sheltered lives.

These type of stories bother me. One these people did not live by scripture and lived by their own law. Their law, not Christ, controlled them. Furthermore, people who read this article who are not Christian will focus on the fact she blames GOD for her husbands controlling behavior despite it was not GOD, but her husband.  In fact, because she provides excuses for his actions shows she is still not fully out of his controlling grip. Those who have been controlled will give excuses for people who are controlling them as a way to cope and rationalize the control.

What is the role of men and woman in a christian relationship? 

To answer this you have to first define what is love according to the bible? Throughout the bible Love is described as selflessness, kindness, and humility. Love is not controlling and love does not cause fear or pain.

Corinthians 13:4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Ephesians 4:2
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love"

1 John 4:7
"Dear Friends, let us love one another, for love comes from GOD. Everyone who loves has born of GOD and knows GOD"

Romans 13:10
"Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law"

Now that we know what love is and the context it is used in the bible it easy to explain the roles man and woman have in the relationship.


First, in a Christian relationship it is ideal that we do not yoke with unbelievers [Corinthians 6:14]. Does this mean we are not to associate ourselves with non Christians? No. In fact, unlike the article I read, we are to go out into the world and proclaim the word [Mark 16:15]. To hide from the world goes against what we are commanded to do.  For an ideal and successful relationship both should be believers. Men are commanded  in Corinthians 16:13 "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, and be strong".

Ephesians 5:21-33
"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to her"

This passage describes almost perfectly the role of men and woman in a Christian relationship. We are a body with men as the head and the woman as the body. Similarly, Christ is the head of the church and we believers are his body. With out a head the body cannot function. Likewise, a head without a body is not a being.  Both must work in unity and submit to one another and to our lord Christ. Furthermore, men are commanded to love his wife. As we learned love is selfless, humble, and kind.

If a man and a woman are in a true Christian relationship neither will be abusive or controlling. They will work in unity and as a cohesive body of Christ. Sadly, those who read that article who are not believers and are looking for an excuse to further separate themselves from Christ will use that article to promote their argument no matter how erroneous it is.

GOD challenges

It is amazing how GOD works with each and every one of us. It might shock you to learn that when I joined New Discovery church I was a self proclaimed Atheist. While technically that wasn't really true; I was already questioning my (lack of) belief at the time, but wasn't ready to commit to any set theology. Around the time I was introduced to New Discovery I had met a few people that I honestly believe GOD was using me to guide me on the right path. My wife who refused to believe that I was an atheist and constantly challenging my views. The Muslim printer repair guy at work who when I told I was an atheist insisted I go to a Christian church and pray for GOD to give me guidance. A Mormon coworker who would witness to me daily and once gave me the book of Mormon and prayed for me to believe in something. The one that took was running into a good friend who had always been there for me in my time of need after not seeing him for 5 years.

One day I was walking through our data center and someone yelled at me as I walked by; "Hey Tess!!" No one outside my wife and her family call me Tess. I hadn't went by that nickname since before I got married and even then only my good friends called me Tess. I turned around and there was a short guy in a Bell South uniform on with a big grin on his face and his arms out open wanting to give me a hug. It took me a few minutes to realize who this was and it wasn't until he mention that Robbie and him were just talking about me a few days before that I realized it was Carl.

We talked for about 15 minute catching up on old times and I asked how Robbie was doing. I hadn't seen Robbie since he got married and started a family with Kara. He gave me Robbie's phone number and told me he would give Robbie a call as well to let him know that I was going to reach out to him.

Robbie is one of those people that I believe GOD put in my life several times. The first time was shortly after I moved here from California by way of Phoenix Arizona. When I moved here I had took a big gamble and lived with an ex military friend of mine. We lived in a run down trailer with rats and other infestations. We were poor and he was an alcoholic who constantly abused his wife. I worked for Robbie at AMR Combs as a line service technician and complained about my situation. Robbie not only helped me rent an apartment he also spent a whole Saturday moving me out of the trailer and into my apartment as well as gave me furniture to furnish my apartment.

I called Robbie and it was like we had never lost contact. We talked about what was new in our lives. Asked me if I ever married Jaymie and if I had kids. I gave him the latest update on the past 5 years since we last seen each other. He told me him and Kara had another kid and they lived in Southaven  and then invited me to come over to his home for dinner.

When I came over for dinner and met the family Robbie started telling me about his new found love for Christ. This took me by shock as Robbie was one of my fellow atheist friends who I used to sit down with and make fun of Christians with. I respectfully listen to him tell me about his walk and how he became a believer. He then started telling me about this new start up church that he attends and invited me to attend church. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and I left thanking him for the invite and told him to stay in touch.

I have been invited to churches many times through out my life. I don't know what was different about this invitation. Maybe it was how excited Robbie was and given that he used to be an Atheist sparked my interest. Not sure, but unlike other times I actually went the next Sunday.

We met at the VFW which was a very interesting experience. The place smelled like cigarette smoke and alcohol. Well it should as it is a BAR! I never thought I would attend church in the same place people dance, drink, and smoke. What really took me was the worship and the preaching. I was mesmerized by John's sermon. I felt like he was starring into my soul and talking directly to me. By the way this is the same experience I continue to have every Sunday. I was also impressed with Chad's worship team and the inspirational music.

When the service was over Robbie introduced me to Chad Hoyer and then he said practice is Friday night at Johns house. Here is the directions. Can you imagine how I felt? My first Sunday and now they want me to play in the band? I hadn't played guitar in 5 years; I put it down after getting married. Furthermore, the only music I had ever played was heavy metal! I remember driving home thinking all I know how to play is music like Metalica, Pantera, and have no clue what Christian music is!

I showed up at Johns house. Outside of quitting playing guitar I had sold all my equipment. All I had was the first guitar I had ever owned a 1988 Pevey Predator and a small 10w crate amp. The only pedals I had was a BOSS Death Metal pedal. Not exactly the right gear for Christian music. I remember sitting there and Chad constantly telling me "Hey cut loose when ever you want" and remember myself thinking "Cut loose on what? Want me to break out some Pantera?" I also found the music much more challenging than I had ever played in my life. Unlike metal where you can get away with ridding a single note Christian music changes chords almost every syllable. My hands hurt so bad that night. Despite my thinking that I was horrible and there was no way they would let me play on Sunday I was told to show up at the VFW at 8am for warm up and sound check. What? I told Chad that I was a non believer and he just smiled and said "Sure". Long story short I was saved a year later right before we moved into the school.

Sometimes GOD talks to us and unless its blunt we close our eyes and walk away. We constantly want that sign that we can be dumbfounded and say in awe yes! Sadly, GOD talks to us daily and  its up to us to choose to listen. Looking back there was several instances in my life that GOD reached out to me and I wasn't ready and I chose to ignore. Thankfully, like helping me get out of a bad living situation I didn't ignore GOD when he put Robbie back in my life to get me out of a bad spiritual situation.

I believe the recent studies with Not a Fan and Guard rails is my 2.0 part of my spiritual journey. I have had some struggles in my life going back to my childhood that I allowed to use as an excuse to guide some of my actions and honestly not allow me to completely put my trust in GOD. These two series were awakening to me and I believe GOD used these series to talk to me directly to correct some actions in my life starting with becoming a true follower, put him first, start to put my trust in him, and start my journey to forgive people that I had held great resentment to. In some ways this is a huge challenge to me, but also a cleansing to finally eliminate unnecessary and self inflicted burdens in my life.

GOD bless with Love,
Jim